Whacked in the Face by Life. I fell off my bike. I have never fallen like this in my life as an active person and it has brought me face to face with my vulnerability. Literally.
My face into the blacktop – feet still on the pedals, bike between my legs vulnerability. Face-to-face with my vulnerability: fast-down-hill-full-force, no breaks applied vulnerability…and it was a little (well, BIG really) black bee that brought me down.
I saw the bee coming milliseconds before it hit the back of my throat. Next thought – will it sting? Swallow? Spit out? And before that string of thought was complete my body turned to the right and spit twice. The next thing I saw was the pavement 2 inches from my face – no time for anything – my face and head bounced, my right leg, fingers, palms and elbow grinding the bike to a stop.
What?!
I fell off my bike?! Turned into the pavement really. The next minutes included assessing the damage…teeth, all there, lip, bleeding but intact, cheek and chin too…road rash for days, nothing broken, lost or hanging where it doesn’t belong. Amazing all things considered. Really amazing – my right hip replacement held up great – my humor and helmet too.
I was just shaken. So shaken. Disoriented. Stunned. Vulnerable.
The undeniable feeling of my vulnerability…in an instant, life can change. In an instant, I can find myself thrown to the curb…in a new situation, out of control, in the arms of fate, the Universe, my Angels or how ever you look at that.
Feeling my vulnerability…seeing my mother losing her memory and her ability to navigate life. Feeling my vulnerability, watching my friend face her father’s death, her brother’s rage and her aloneness even while being supported.
Feeling my vulnerability…my aging, my uncertainty about some next steps in life, feeling my vulnerability in all that is unclear, out of my hands and unfolding in some unseen pattern or wild randomness.
And in this…there is some odd space. Surrender. There is some curiosity and waiting. There is this awareness of vulnerability, this confession really – that somehow my ego self feels impenetrable, and the reality of life jumps up and slaps me…and then there is softening here and there is kindness.
Bare, stripped naked kindness, tenderness – physically, emotionally, psychologically. Raw like road rash, exposed weeping flesh – this is the truth of all of us. The truth of this human journey. We can be ripped wide open by life…if we are lucky. Ripped wide open – and hopefully we have dug deep before this, dug deep in conscious, embodied practice for just these moments – to fall well. To keep our helmet on. To have our humor in tact. To have cultivated both the resource and the willingness to ask for help when we most need it.
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. I need you. I need reassurance. I need a hand. I need someone to tell me I will be ok. I need to lean against you now.
I was helped – such a response from those near, my husband and a few Air Force women who all literally ran to the rescue. The lady at the hotel who lovingly cleaned and bandaged me, such an outpouring of love and kindness towards me…and I find deep kindness towards myself. A deeper layer for me – I am vulnerable. This does not mean I am weak. In fact I feel such resilience in this. I bounce and don’t break. I can be with it and not brush it off or medicate it away. I heal. I can give myself time to be with this.
I am ok…and I am vulnerable.
Join me for the Summer – Fall Mini Retreat Series:
To cultivate your embodied presence
To bounce and not break
To practice surrender and find connection with others
To be with your vulnerability & all you can’t control – and be ok
To find your humor and kindness in all that arises
“When your with a Master you get fed on so many levels. You just want to go back again and again.”
Marla Dee – Business Owner speaks about time with Shannon
View all posts by Dr. Shannon Simonelli
